Allow me to reintroduce myself!
Guess who’s back
Back again
Martyn’s back
Tell a friend
Ok, enough of the pop culture references (but it really was empty without me, no?).
I up and vanished like a fart in the wind and now I’m back like a bad smell! Ok, maybe not the best analogy. So, what’s been happening, where did you go and so on and so forth. Well, for starters, I can’t believe it has been two months since my last piece – time really does fly by whether you’re having fun or not – but it has been a much needed and long overdue break and something I should have done sooner as I was operating “into the red” so to speak.
I was feeling frustrated, amongst other things, at the lack of growth of my website and channel (not an uncommon experience) and wishing more people would interact with what I create. Funnily enough, having not promoted anything since my hiatus, I returned to find – much to my delight – two of my articles had shot up dramatically in views! The articles in question were:
And
If you have not read them, please consider doing so. I believe they’ll be worth your while.
Anyway, back to my feelings *winks*. I was thinking to myself, it’s all good and well trying to help people live better lives, but what if hardly anyone (relatively speaking) is reading your material? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose? It’s hard to keep fronting up multiple times a week, week after week to that kind of environment, especially when what’s rewarded seems arbitrary.
I feel I can call on my old friend, Danish Philosopher Soren Kierkegaard, in his book “The Sickness Unto Death”, to summarise my aforementioned feelings:
“Thus when the ambitious man, whose slogan was "Either Caesar or nothing", does not become Caesar, he is in despair over it. But this signifies something else, namely, that precisely because he did not become Caesar he now cannot bear to be himself. Consequently he is not in despair over the fact that he did not become Caesar, but he is in despair over himself for the fact that he did not become Caesar.”
Oh, philosophy, isn’t it grand? It is kind of ironic that I was in the process of reading Kierkegaard that I had my moment of “despair” (though technically I was reading his book “Either/Or” instead).
I cried out, uncontrollably, “I don’t know what I will do if this doesn’t work out!”
At the time it was not a pleasant sensation, but it felt an honest experience to go through. I was feeling like a Linkin Park song – I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter. It’s horrible to feel like you don’t matter, that nobody cares about you and what you do…or at least that is what your mind keeps telling you even when the few people who do are offering their love, support and reassurance.
It has not been easy for me – although, my father didn’t give me a small loan of a million dollars like Donald Trump. Earlier this year I wrote about some of these things in my post, “It’s not that easy being green”, and their lingering effects still to this day. However, I refuse to give in, I want to help make a difference to people…and I believe I can…I know I can…I just need (to accept) some help from time to time. And perhaps reduce the burden I bare from my lofty ideals/goals to a more manageable load…temporarily at least.
I know this might read as a simple “oh well, you just felt a bit tired” kind of trope, but it is a little more complicated than that – things usually are with me. I’m impatient when I’m not where I want to be (or is that should be?). The parameters for high achievement are different in this game and the way you succeed is not clearly defined and feels largely out of your control – which is unlike my previous environments and possibly why I’m struggling a little with it.
However, I shall continue to persevere. Why? Because I feel it is not only what society requires of me, but what I currently feel is the right thing for me to do. I want to contribute to the wellbeing of humanity and I believe I’m doing that. I want to increase my knowledge and wisdom, sharpen my critical thinking and articulate my insight to help “shepherd the weak through the valley of darkness” as well as to satisfy my own curiosity and fulfilment.
So, in the immortal words of Arnie, “I’ll be back”…again next week!
I truly wish you would follow your heart more than your head at times. If something feels good, then to quote the great philosopher - Clarkson, "How hard can it be?" :-)