Empathy and The Ego

Why everyone putting themselves first helps no one

I mean, that statement is true technically as well as figuratively, but I’m sure the initial response of many is not one of agreement. No, I imagine it would be closer to, “but if I don’t put myself first, who will?”, and, ergo, we’ve reached upon the first point of contention – how do you get people to care for others when they themselves do not feel cared for?

I can already feel I’m getting ahead of myself here, so we’ll return to the aforementioned questions in a moment, but first let us set the scope on this subject. My aim is to cover multiple levels of analysis, as this dilemma affects us at the individual level, the family level, in relationships, groups, communities and even beyond to regions, states and countries. Hopefully, examples and illustrations are flooding to you as to how empathy and egos come into play, usually in a combative manner, in all of these situations.

Living in Western Democratic societies – sometimes referred to as WEIRD societies (Western, Educated, Industrialised, Rich and Democratic) – we are individualistic by temperament, as opposed to Eastern which is more collective. Given the degree to which we’re greatly encouraged to pursue our individualism, it can be incredibly difficult to get people to care about someone other than themselves (or at best, outside their immediate circle).

I’ve certainly noticed a rise in particularly ideas being promoted with regards to individuality. For example, the "I'm going to get mine", “I don’t give a fuck or care about anyone’s opinion” / “you do you”, and  “if you don’t get what you want out of a relationship, leave!”. Now, some of these you might wonder what is wrong, if anything, with them, but in the context of this article there are. While it may sound counterintuitive, a lot of these statements tend to illustrate or bring out narcissistic/selfish behaviour and facilitate a lack of awareness and empathy.

I’m seeing more and more people in relationships exhibit the mentality of “I’m going to get mine” as an excuse to not work on themselves or their relationship and just ignore problems and issues while increasingly pursuing self-interest that will inevitably lead to the end of their relationship at some future point, but remain in ignorance that it was ever their fault. Similarly, “if you don’t get what you want out of a relationship, leave!” seems like good advice, but it can also “reward” people for never admitting their faults or developing an acceptable and mature level of self-awareness as these people perennially leave relationships whenever their problems arise and continue on life as it’s only that they just haven’t found the right person. I explored this modern disposability in human relationships further here.

“Relationships never work when only one person gets what they want or when the relationship is only working towards the wants of one person.”

One of the most promoted ways of being nowadays is the “I don’t give a fuck or care about anyone’s opinion”, and it’s so counterproductive it makes me really sad. These people might as well say, “I don’t need to change, I don’t need to improve, I can keep going on being oblivious (or worse, consciously aware) to the ways in which I’m hurting people or putting them in negative emotional states because I’m so righteous and their wellbeing means so little.” We used to use other people as a guide for going too far, now, we get a “you do you” and try to piss off as many people as possible…or so it seems.

And this is where we return to “but if I don’t put myself first, who will?” because…

“A lot of people need taking care of, but how do you decide who needs care? Or more importantly who receives care?”

This is difficult enough in a relationship or a family, but at a state or national or even international level, it’s almost an unsolvable equation. However, we try, and the nobility is in the attempt. Nevertheless, some proceed to stop helping, others don’t care in the first place, and some have cared so much that they’re exhausted or run out of resources to care more than they already have.

“Just because you’re in need of care/empathy, doesn’t mean you’re incapable of giving care/empathy.”

So, where does the responsibility lie? Dostoevsky wrote about something similar in The Brothers Karamazov, the idea that every one of us is responsible for everybody else – which, on the surface, is an outrageous thing to claim. However, I view it akin to showing empathy at all levels (or at least making the ego subservient to empathy), it always starts with the individual and goes outward from there. We are collectively responsible for our fellow brothers and sisters, but it can’t be dictated to do so, it must come from within, it must be a voluntary acceptance. When it’s reciprocated, this behaviour is contagious, it’s spreads, and then the reciprocity gets reinforced, but someone always needs to start first.

By putting other people first, you give the chance for other people to put you first.

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Photo by Kate Joie on Unsplash.