Balancing the imbalance.
It’s not easy, is it. Friends, family, intimate partner, children, pets, work colleagues…well, maybe not the last one…and that’s before we even get to your humble self! Like pimpin’ to Big Daddy Kane, caring ain’t easy. It’s stressful and always inherently unbalanced – it requires constant correction.
People tend to have a natural inclination in one direction or the other when it comes to taking care of others or themselves with both avenues prone to errors in excess. Examples of each include the self-sacrificing nature of the carer who happily runs themselves into the ground in order to make the lives of others better (note to self), and the hugely self-conscious/self-critical person or the arrogant and inconsiderate narcissist.
“Unexpressed negative emotion is one of the main sources for bitterness and resentment.”
The general levels of awareness around care, especially self-care, have risen substantially over the last decade and this is largely a good thing. However, awareness needs to be teamed with action otherwise you end up in a never-ending anxiety and depression ridden loop, and worse off than before you started. Side note: this is part of the reason why people can prefer to stay naïve – the illusion of being better off.
“Learning to be more assertive is a great way to take care of yourself and others.”
Recent trends have shown an increase in adult children living at home as well as adult children caring for their parent/s, although the former is more prevalent. As someone who personally fits into both categories, it can sometimes be quite the juggling act. I always feel a sense of trepidation about revealing my personal life, experience or situation, largely because a) it’s no one else’s business really, b) I don’t believe I’ll be understood properly, and c) I’ll be judged poorly for it. However, utilising personal experiences is a great way to connect with people in an authentic and genuine manner.
With my kind, caring, compassionate, understanding and empathetic nature, the self-sacrifice required to care for a parent comes more easily to me than the average person. I love my mum, it gives me great satisfaction to be able to care for her (and help dad in the process), a chance to give back after all that was done for me (and still is). I consider it a noble undertaking which thanks largely to my personality and current line of work enables me to do so more readily – and which I know my mum is incredibly grateful for.
Given my tendencies I have to be very aware of several critical points:
That my self-sacrifice doesn’t come at the erosion of the self.
That I feel responsible for
Their happiness
Making their lives less terrible
Saving them
Always being there
To enjoy myself despite their pain and suffering
Before I go any further, I’m trying to be very careful with the way I write this due to the emotional sensitivity and understanding required for such a topic and to convey a sense of respect and mutual love to all parties involved. There isn’t a sense of emotional blackmail (e.g. guilt, shame) or moral obligation that I must be here doing these things nor do my parents demand it of me.
It’s very easy to lose yourself in the care of others, sometimes to the point where you don’t even know what you want any more or possibly it’s no longer a question, or you downplay your own problems/concerns as to not add to their woes. It’s very easy to feel responsible for the happiness of others – what this teaches us is that happiness has an external location (outside of us) which is a recipe for a very unhappy life – and to always be available when they need something or someone, sometimes before and sometimes even when they don’t. I also feel most people would find it difficult to enjoy themselves when surrounded by a loved one in immense and constant pain, sometimes to the point where they’d forgo joy to not add to the suffering of the loved one.
At various points I’ve probably been guilty of all the above to varying degrees, but the great thing is that we all get on with each other – well, 99.99% of the time haha – and actually enjoy each other’s company, unlike so many families nowadays.
Like I said, caring ain’t easy, be it for others or yourself, and it always requires regular attention – so the garden of care not only survives, but thrives – and constant correction from swaying too far one way or the other.
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This is a “thoughtful” article Martyn. Caring for someone has to be balanced with also having time and a life for ones’ self as well. You have presented a very good expression of what caring is all about. I as your mum, know the selfless sacrifice you have gone through to care for me with my physical disabilities, especially over the past 10 months and I have truly, truly appreciated and valued this care.
I am equally aware that you also have a life of your own to lead and that it is so important to give you your space and time as well. We have discussed this in great detail before you even wrote this article and I would…